Jesus Mysteries The Mystery at Smugglers Cove
by bookfreak101
Summary: Scooby/Bible HUMOUR! Donkeys have gone missing. His people need help. He WILL find the culprit. With God's wiggidy-wack interventions, how could he not do it?


Jesus Mysteries #1

Jesus Mysteries: Episode #1

The Mystery at Smuggler's Cove

"What are we doing here?" questioned Peter as Jesus and his followers arrived at the Sea of Galalie.

"We're here to solve a mystery," claimed Jesus, Son of God.

"A mystery?" asked James, son of Alpheaus.

"Yes, James, son of Alpheaus, a mystery. Father told me that asses have gone missing and we are here to find the culprit."

Suddenly, Jesus, Son of God burst out, "Down Simon!" Upon looking at his feet, Jesus, Son of God, noticed Simon attempting to slip off his left sandal.

"What art thou doing?"

"Um, trying to wash my Lord's feet?" said Simon hesitantly.

"Simon, my child, lying is a sin," Jesus said, sighing and pinching the bridge of his nose. "I know all about your fetish, but unless you stop stealing left sandals, you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven," scolded Jesus.

"How many asses have gone missing?" asked Thaddeus, trying to change the subject.

"At least five," said Jesus as they walked along the shore. "We're going to see Mrs. Johansson, one of her donkeys was stolen last night and we must see if she saw anything."

Mrs. Johansson lived in a small hutch about two miles off shore with her husband and two sons. As they walked up to her house Mrs. Johansson dashed out of her front door toward the group.

"Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ! Please help us," she said in a shrill voice.

Jesus held up his hand and tried to calm her. "Relax my child, **we** shall help you. Tell me all you know."

"I shall never forget it Jesus, never! It was late, well after sundown and I had just put my sons to bed. John, my husband had gone to town on business. I was tending the fire, when I heard the strangest noise. I looked out the window and you may think me mad but I saw it, I tell you, it was _real_."

"All is well my good woman, you are safe, what did you see?"

"It-it was a withered, yellow face. It was completely bald except for thin strands of black hair clinging atop his head. Its eyes were red and blazing like fire. It was leering at me! And oh, it's teeth! They were fangs and sharp as daggers! I shall never forget that face! The face of the devil himself. Never!

"When I ran outside, it was gone. I awoke the next day and walked to the barn to feed our asses to discover my favorite one, Preston, gone." She lapsed into silence.

"My children, we must look for clues." The group spread out and began looking around. After hours of searching, there were no results until, "Aha! " exclaimed Jesus suddenly, pointing. Outside the window were two deep footprints.

"Size ten," said Thaddeus, looking closely.

"Quite a large man," Phillip remarked. "Look how deep they go."

"Indeed," responded Christ.

They bade Mrs. Johansson farewell and proceeded down the road back to the shore. Out of the corner of his eye Christ saw Simon walking a few steps to the side, crossing his arms over his torso.

He turned to Simon and said, "Simon, why do you disrespect me?"

"I don't know what you mean," replied Simon

Jesus stopped and pulled out one of John Johansson's left sandals from within Simon's clothes. "I apologize, my Lord," Simon said sheepishly.

Christ's face remained expressionless. "We shall return it when this riddle is at its end."

They walked down to the shore to hire a boat for the crossing of the sea. There was only one boat in the dock but it seemed to be unattended. The apostles became uneasy.

"Christ! What if it's a ghost ship?" John said apprehensively.

"Nonsense, my son. Ghost ships won't be around till 1968... A.D." (Wink, Wink)

At this point, Monty Goldberg, the bearded ship captain, emerged from the depths of the ship. He didn't see the procession right away. He walked down the plank to a pen of asses.

"Look my Lord!" exclaimed Andrew. "He's looking at those donkeys quite closely."

"Hmm, we must keep an eye on him," said Christ.

They all walked toward him. Upon seeing Jesus' face, Monty exclaimed, "Christ! Son of God! You shall cross this sea free of charge."

"Pro bono," Judas whispered smugly.

As they crossed the sea, Jesus noticed numerous coves and caves along the shoreline. "What are they?" questioned Jesus, pointing.

"It is said that they were once used for human sacrifice," Monty stated. "I wouldn't go in there for all the miracles you could manifest, my lord. Some say the ghosts still haunt the cave, no, no, no, **don't go in there."**

That night, Jesus and his disciples stayed in a luscious garden at the top of a hill. As they slept, Jesus ascended into the heavens to speak with his father. God was massively tall with legs like trees. His beard was snow white and as bushy as a rather large bush.

"Yo J.C.! What up man? Hows my baby-mama?"

"She is in good health Father."

"That's good, that's good. Fan-friken-tastic, man! You find them asses yet?"

"Alas Father, I have not."

God set down his smoking joint and said, "I know man, I know **all**, but look, word on the street is that tomorrow night another ass tap is goin' down in one of those coves you saw."

"Oh thank you God! Thank you!" Jesus exclaimed.

"Naw, man! It ain't nothing but a thang!" He retrieved his dubie and resumed puffing.

The next day, Jesus preached the Word of God to his people until just before sundown. Then Jesus said, "Peter, Mathew, come with me. This mystery is about to be solved."

When night fell, Jesus, Peter, and Mathew snuck into the cave God has specified. Upon entering, Jesus pulled out a shiny stick. He pushed a little round part and light shot out of it.

"Lord! What is _that?_" exclaimed Matthew

"A 'flashlight,' Father gave it to me for my birthday last year," replied Jesus.

"Jesus, point the 'flashlight' that way! I think I see something," said Peter.

"**Jesus Christ!" **exclaimed Mathew.

In front of them sat a makeshift pen. In it was six Asses.

"The Asses!" yelled Peter.

"Shhh!" hushed Jesus. "Someone is approaching." They ducked behind a rock, as Jesus turned off the flashlight.

By the moonlight, they could see a short bearded man enter with an ass on a leash. Mathew, the biggest of the disciples, leaped from his hiding place and tackled him. Jesus shone the flashlight on the man's face. He pulled a dagger from his waist and tried to attack the Messiah.

"Get off me!" he said in an incredible high, women-like voice.

"That's no man!" exclaimed Peter.

Jesus pulled off 'his' beard to reveal Mrs. Johansson. He pulled metal clamps out of his robes and attached them to her wrists

"_Jesus_?" asked Peter.

"Father," he stated simply. The cuffs appeared to have fur on them.

Mrs. Johansson looked at him with shining eyes. "I-I am sorry."

"My father will forgive you if you truly repent . . . and give him 'mass props' for creating you."

The next day Jesus told the other apostles what had happened.

"But why? Why would she do it?" asked Thomas.

"Money," Jesus said with a sad expression. "The asses were being smuggled out and sold on the Black Market by John Johansson."

"What about Monty Goldberg?" asked Thomas.

"I was counting my own Asses to see if they had been stolen," said Monty, as he was walking into the room out of nowhere.

"But Mrs. Johansson was robbed too." pointed out James, Son of Alpheaus.

"She knew she would be suspected," explained Jesus. "She took her own ass and stored it with the others. Then she made up the story of the 'devil' to further throw us off.

"What about the foot-prints?" questioned Simon.

"Let me see the sandal you stole." Simon passed it over.

"Aha! Size ten! She used his shoes to make the prints. I guess that question would have gone unanswered had it not been for your fetish."

"You welcome," said Simon smugly.

"_Simon _. . ." they all said.

"Rimon!" said Spot the lovable, talking mutt.

**AN- more is coming! I wrote this with my brother. He's called rhcpcantstop00. ******** Suggestions will be welcome! Sorry about the delay. Our different personalities makes it hard not to fight. We're trying!**


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